It’s almost been a month since I started this blog. Since I started my elimination life. I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress.
But that’s exactly the negative thinking I have to get rid of. In a month I’ve gotten my birth control taken out of my body, I’ve become vegan (mostly), I’ve gotten rid of a lot of stuff. I have to consistently remind myself that these things take time. I’m not going to be the perfect vegan and a minimalist overnight. It’s a struggle between wanting to do this thing well and wanting to do it now.
I’ve been struggling with food. It’s been really hard to find foods I can tolerate for breakfast. I KNOW that I need to eat breakfast, and I always feel better when I do, but getting myself there mentally is REALLY hard. Not eating breakfast tends to lend itself to me not feeling well by lunch time (ie being so hungry by the time I can take a break that I don’t feel great). The past few weeks this has turned into me just NOT eating a meal until I get home from work. I let myself get distracted from taking a break, and then I just forgot until it’s almost 5 pm and I should have eaten at least twice… So then I go home and I devour whatever I manage to piece together for dinner, and immediately fall asleep because I haven’t been fueling my body from the start.
I just don’t ever want food in the morning. And even when I make myself food, I never finish it. I’m slowly learning that I don’t think I’m an oatmeal kinda gal… Either that or I just hate breakfast so much that I’m taking it out on oatmeal. Oatmeal seems to be the go-to breakfast for vegans. It’s so easy, and you can make it so many different ways, and I can’t seem to find even one that I could stand on a regular basis. I have to stop comparing myself to other vegans. To other people. I am my own.
I’m addicted to sugar, so I mostly only ever want sugar first thing in the morning. Maybe I should start where I am. With a bit of fruit to get me into the habit of breakfast, and then as I get rid of sugar in my life I can transition into healthier options… Maybe even oatmeal!
I struggle with some negative language in my life. I consistently convince myself that I’m not good at anything and that I’m never going to find my calling. There something in me that knows that’s a fucking lie. But there’s something else that keeps me convinced. I like so many different things, and I’m not an expert in anything (except maybe true crime… but I haven’t figured out a way to make that a career for myself just yet) <- and then even when I do know I’m good at something I tell myself that I have to figure out a way to make it make me money. (I hate money. That’s a whole other blog post…) I’m just alright at a bunch of things. I want to try so many things.
Two challenges for the upcoming week! This one’s going to keep me busy!
- Eat fruit for breakfast to get into a breakfast habit.
- Practice the same thing every day for 1 hour per day.
I find myself always wanting to grow and learn, but I rarely find myself making much of an effort to make that happen. I spend a lot of time sleeping (which I’m learning is V important) or doing things that aren’t challenging me in the least. I wonder all the time what kind of person I am becoming. Who do I want to be? But when I have ideas on that topic, I let my fear shut down my thoughts pretty quickly. “You don’t have time for that new hobby”, “Your body isn’t healthy enough or strong enough for that”, or “You’re not smart enough to go back to school for that”. I let myself speak lies to myself on a daily basis.
I need to start speaking to myself how I would speak to my best friend. — I would NEVER tell her she wasn’t strong enough, beautiful enough, lovable enough, or smart enough. So why do I speak that way to the ONE who has literally always been there?
What kind of person do you want to be?
- A kind and loving, compassionate and patient, understanding and calm person. A good listener.
- “You are”.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
- Back in school or finishing school, in a new job or even a new career, owning my own business, maybe a kid
- “You can”
What does healthy mean to you, and how will you measure your results?
- I want to be strong, and I want to have energy throughout the day. I want to be able to go to Yoga every day, or at least as often as I’d like, I would like to know where my food comes from, if not grown it myself. I want to have a positive mind, and know how to rid my body and life of negative energy.
- “You WILL”
Ask yourself some questions. Think of some that really challenge you to dig deep and to reach for what you WANT for your life. Answer them. Try to be honest. Then respond with encouragement, like you were listening to your best friend tell you her dreams.
Because HER dreams matter. And she will speak to you if you decide to listen.
This blog is going to mostly be a conversation between me and my body, me and my mind, and me and my heart. I want to encourage people like me, who also have no idea who they are supposed to be or no idea what they are supposed to be doing in this like to come with me on this journey. It’s scary as hell, but I know there’s something bigger out there for us.
The answers live within us. We just have to find them.